On the path to self destuction?

I've had a few drinks so far. I have an emotionally unavailable fa'ther and mother. I'm 19 and live with my boyfriend who loves me but i don't think i love him anymore cuz of all the **** we've been through.I've been depressed for a year and i feel empty inside. I'm frustrated because the only thing that can make me feel is pills and alcohol which i hate the taste and pills i can't afford them. I only like to drink when i'm alone which isn't good. I feel like i've dug myself so far down i can't get myself up and the only people who know i;m depressed is my boyfriend and my mom and my mom is just like me. She takes pils to feel happy and I only resent my boyfriend cuz of a lot of ****.. I need some kind of guidance. I'm so lost and have noone to talk to. Help??? I fear i'm gonna be like my father and be controlling and emotionally unavailable all my life.